Being prepared for an unexpected death – “I love you”
- Sharing wisdom from a Certified Grief Educator about expressing feelings to loved ones as preparation for an unexpected death
I am going to pass along a nugget of wisdom a dear friend shared with me recently.
Colin and I don’t have a “hang out” kind of relationship. Months or years might pass between connections. But I feel close to him.
At the end of our discussion, I shared my feelings of affection with some form of “I love you”. He did the same. I specifically remember that because it was the subject matter of what Colin had shared with me.
Colin is a Certified Grief Educator. He helps people with their grief arising from the loss of a loved one, providing one-on-one and group sessions.
He shared that a common focal point of grief, particularly when death is unexpected, is the last interactions with the loved one. Had they said “I love you” at the time? Or recently?
I’m a hugger. For me, I suppose, a hug is sort of an “I love you”. But implying love falls short of directly and unequivocally saying it.
They’re powerful words, evoking the level of feeling you actually have for those you really care about.
When’s the last time you told a long time and dear friend that you love them – if ever?
What about your brother or sister? A parent?
What about your children? Your spouse?
We’re reasonably good at recognizing the need for estate planning so that our wealth transfer wishes are followed in the event of our unexpected death. The “unexpected” part is key. If we knew when we were going to die, we could simply transfer our assets to our intended beneficiaries immediately before death.
We’re not so good at living the reality that death is regularly unexpected. And sometimes comes way, way before we would reasonably expect that it might.
Living that reality might mean saying “I love you” as parting words any time you conclude a visit or telephone discussion with someone you care about. Or at least using those words from time to time.
I recommend the former. It feels mighty good!
I shared this wisdom with one of my adult daughters recently during a jog. One of her conditions for letting me join her for a jog is that I entertain her. Lacking juggling skills, that means an interesting topic of discussion.
The conversation led to considering the possibility that even she, an incredibly healthy person in her early 20s, could die unexpectedly. And brainstorming a whole host of topics around what her wishes would be if that occurred.
As morbid as it sounds, it was a thoroughly enjoyable and illuminating discussion. And while the thought of losing her is too painful to bear, I am now armed with information that would ensure that her previously unexpressed wishes would be followed.
Following those wishes would also help me work through my grief.
I’ll have to fictionalize some of it, but I intend to share those topics with you in my next column.
Please e-mail me if you have ideas along these lines so that I can work them in. And if you’d like to connect with Colin, let me know and I’ll pass on his information.
