One child moves in with parent and “surprise” inherits everything – Part 3
- I recommend eliminating surprise by normalizing disclosure of your parent’s estate plan and keeping communication lines about that plan open
This is part 3 of a series about “legacy hunter” manipulation of a last remaining parent. I’m referring to someone who portrays themselves as helping out, or shows romantic or friendship interest, but whose true motives are financial.
The reader question that inspired this series had to do with a sibling who moves in with the parent, often with their spouse. Then surprise: after your parent dies you find out about the changed will, changes to beneficiary designations or changes to title to their home.
The surprise is the kicker.
Sure, it’s disappointing to learn that the inheritance you felt entitled to, and were reasonably expecting, will be going to someone else.
But the surprise aspect might be worse. It cuts into the relationship you thought you had with your parent:
- Why did they decide to change their estate plan?
- Why didn’t they discuss it with you?
- Did their feelings about you change?
And the feeling that someone might have cheated you is maddening:
- Did your parent have a full understanding of what they were doing and what the outcome would be? Or were they manipulated?
- Was their gradual cognitive decline taken advantage of?
Perhaps most difficult is the unfairness, something siblings have an incredibly keen sense of. Your sibling and their spouse had lived rent-free and sponged off your parent. You didn’t meddle with that freeloading at the time and now your sibling ends up with the bulk of the estate.
I recommend taking steps to eliminate the surprise.
Normalize disclosure of your parent’s estate plan and keep communication lines about that plan open.
Easier said than done.
Bringing up what you might inherit from a parent can feel horribly selfish.
And your parent might hate the idea of you having anything of an inheritance expectation. They might want you standing on your own two feet, not sitting back and waiting for a financial windfall. And expectation strips away the enjoyment of gift giving.
I have some suggestions for how you might approach discussing your parent’s estate plan and keeping those communication lines open:
- Start early. Don’t wait until a legacy hunter might already have their hooks into your parent.
- Be a helpful facilitator who emphasizes honouring their wishes rather than any focus on who gets what. Be clear that you will accept whatever their wishes might be, even if it means that everything goes to a sibling or to charity. You just want to ensure that they have a plan in place.
- Raise the issue as part of a larger discussion about estate and incapacity planning. Wills, powers of attorney and representation agreements are typically prepared as one process. The incapacity planning side of things is not self-interested – it’s about empowering you to best care for your parents if they lose cognitive capacity to manage their own affairs.
- Everybody hates taxes and nobody wants a bunch of money going to a lawyer. Use tax and legal fee avoidance as a reason to review and discuss not only their estate plan but also their investment management and income taxes.
- Use my columns as conversation starters. I’ve got a searchable archive of over 2 ½ years of weekly columns covering most aspects of estate and incapacity planning.
- Schedule a discussion about age-related decline and what supports might be put in place to help them. Supports might include house cleaning, yard upkeep, installing grab bars and other equipment in their home to prevent falls, stability and mobility aids, meal preparation, entertainment and socialization, physical activity facilitation, etc. Use that annual review as an opportunity to bring up their estate and incapacity planning.
- How about be totally up front and explain your concern about them being manipulated as they age and their cognitive capacity inevitably declines.
- Once the issue has been raised and dealt with once, make a plan with your parent to review it annually or more often as circumstances might change (a common legal recommendation).
Stay tuned for next week’s column when I provide recommendations around breaking through communication barriers that a legacy hunter might have set up to keep you in the dark.
